What sucks most about being a fully medicated bipolar after all this time is how much it hurts. I’m not talking about the every day depression that is just always there. I’m talking about the acute awareness of what is going on around me and how I’m struggling so hard to hold on to my present and not fall back down the rabbit hole I’ve been in for so long.
There I could dodge the constant feeling of being beaten down. Here, it’s just a persistent nag over my right shoulder ready to jump me at any inopportune time. When I’m not on my meds or at least not on my meds completely, and not sleeping enough, I’m not completely tuned in. I can avoid. I can sink myself into an online game, read a story – find something to take me away, to live in my head. Which is so much better than the present, the now.
And, Yes. It won’t always be this way… I’ve heard all the platitudes. Heck, I’ve not only drank the Kool-Aid, I’ve often been the one mixing it. So…yeah.
I’m not sure what makes this time different from others. I can’t help but wonder if youth plays a part. I guess you could say the rose colored glasses are finally off. After all these years even I have to admit I’ve lived the majority of my life with a certain naivete that I no longer possess. I no longer see the world as a place to run to, but more as a place to hide from. No longer do I have hopes, dreams or even aspirations.
That endless well of inspiration seems to have run dry. There is nothing for me to latch a small hope on to. Previously friends, family and acquaintances in their own way told me whatever it was, would be impossible to achieve. But it ended up being something I would strive my hardest to succeed at. While, in my younger days I had success with this method, more recent experience has left me a little gun shy. So maybe that’s part of it too. I don’t think I can tolerate another failure. I don’t think I can tolerate much of anything right now.
So I’m here. God awful as it is right now. Holding on by my finger tips.
Colorado Sky (Photo credit: Let Ideas Compete)
Beautiful fall day in sunny Colorado. Blue sky. Snow in the mountains. Resisting with all my might not to go back to bed, or to sign on to an online game or begin a book. Instead, I’m grappling with things I let slide while I was, not raving, but not mentally well. And, it really, really sucks.
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